leeren Geist

I play pretend with the uneasy sense of loneliness.
Eyes at the back of your head, watching you undress and feeling ugly.
I play in the dark and pray for ghosts.
Talking to empty walls, begging for attention with the echo of my voice hollowing out my eardrums.

This is where I end up.
Surrounded by love and happiness.
Friends and Family.
The world, a giant happy face.
All while my head withers away with voices.
coaxing me to swallow mouthfuls of pills.
tying endless ropes that lead to the punchline.
I'm willing to be the joke.
An accident waiting to happen.

I'll do anything to make them stop.

Welcome, Alice.

She's losing her sense of self.
Ivory carved and black speckled replacement.
Stacked neatly, soldiers lining up and down stairs...
Hallways, gathering around cornerings just to watch the launch.
Rythmic indecency, something bad is bound to happen here...
As her index finger gently pushes back the first tile.
One by one.
Falling down and meeting her bare feet.
Red varnish and a fake tan line.
And all the signs of beauty washed away by soap and whiskey and the vomit at her bedside.
She's wonderful. A smile through broken teeth.
A maze and puzzle collapsing into a black hole, immortality and nova reborn.
Screaming out, childlike.
Smashing mirrors and picture frames,
memories burning retnas and cascading hair clipped away.
Somehow hands held, in a firm grip, she's slipping down the rabbithole.
The mother, the maid, the executioner, the friend, the foe, all in tow.
Tumbled down, reading books and paintings crashing down.
Leading way to the keyhole, insanities doorway to hell.
And as the last domino sends up a dustcloud, the key falls to the ground.
Now in reach, finds it's way intrigicately placed in a firm palm grip.
Knobs turning, eyes closing.
We're all in for a sick suprise...
Oh, you just wait and see.

Hand-Me-Down

I hardly feel sedated anymore.
Reality came creeping back in, and bit me.
Flesh in mouth, teeth sinking into jugular fantasies.
This is real.
I feel everything.
Oh fuck.
This hurts.
But that's okay. That's okay.
Whatever doesn't kill me (and this won't) makes me....
Invincible... Invisible. Stronger. Whatever. I'm fine.
But as she doesn't know, within the clouded moans and the quake of your body at it's peak.
The weakening in your voice and the breathlessness that chases your head in circles as you lay hand in hand, dazed.
Within the depth of your soul and the twiddle of your thumbs as you send text with meaning yet are sent meaninglessly back and forth as you play tongue twisted riddles of love without saying those words.
You're useless. A lover with a brain but no heart to back it up.
A painful memory and the last sip of wine. Bitter and stale, still intoxicating none the less.
She will know of your painful words, and your lack of time.
Induced by a rage of drugs, both of you engulfed.
I only wish you don't drown as you huddle together in it's slurry.
No. I'm not sedated anymore, I'm fine.
Pick up those pieces and glue them together, but good luck reshaping what I've broken.
I kept a few pieces, and you're never getting them back.
I've ruined it for everyone.
And I am proud.


"Human society sustains itself by transforming nature into garbage." -Mason Cooley

Divorcing your soul.

There are a number of unequivocal No's in my head shaking yes.
His eyes dance across the someone Else's living room, meeting everyone Else's vow of faith within a glance.
Spilling car keys into bowls, willing.
Twittering thumbs, tracing the exterior of metal and plastic, combined.
A connotation within a whisper and a wink. We go home tonight.
Not my bed, no.
Firm hand grasping wrists, pulling to the passenger door, open in gentlemen gesture.
Stinging eyes view windsheild infidelity.
He's whispering sweet-nothings in an ear of lust, disguised as a young blonde.
She will know him like I do.
She will know the whimpers and gasps for air.
The climax and the kisses carefully planted.
and I will know nothing of this.
Driving away to a comforter that brings me nothing.
An orgasm and a change of clothes made.
And I will see him again,
Tarnished.
We end up in the beyond when we know now is never good enough.
Satisfaction is a coathanger for disassociation.
We are unwilling to remember.

This is not the marriage I'd dreamt of.

All that Glitters is Gold...

I'm applying sulfuric acid to my fingertips.
Dying my hair and changing my name.
It's time to forget and be forgotton.
Leave the keys under the doormat and a thank you note.
Thumb down a cab, suitcase in tow.
and leave the life of bullshit behind.
Too bad I can't seem to get rid of this black cloud in a speedy get away.
At least I can umbrella myself for a little while.
Before time catches up again, and snatches me away.
Ball and chain, I walk for days...
Goodbye forever.
Tomorrow, the same sun will rise.
and I will view it with different eyes.
Gleaming hope, skyline glittering gold.
Something I have never seen before.
Miles of grassy hills and meadows lay ahead.
I can't keep my eyes open anymore.
Overdose.

Stupid Girl

I'm being clumbsy.
I can't seem to stand on my own two feet without tripping anymore.
My words, an escape artist... I will hurt your feelings with a smile.
Unaware of my own feelings anymore.
I am a confused little girl.
Consider me the current to your electric chair...
Pulsation, allure, an outbox and outlet of injury.
Inquireless.
Let's add some insult here.
You're a cunt.
That's right, I said it.
Okay, here I go again... The fall.

New York Minute

My skin is eroded by tears, streaming my cheeks... collecting between my breasts.
Sorrow.
Station wagon vibrates, a pulse, a tune for farewell.
It's hard to hear your words. Laughter disguised by underlying pain.
"It's only a few days" he says... an attempt to convince himself.
An embrace. Several kisses, and the car pulls away.
Airport terminal, the same word they use to tell you you're going to die.
The end of the road for you. A two hours of winded highway.
This city certainly owns it's name.
Blurry eyed and dizzy. I am not myself anymore.
More tears, pushed back.. faulty navigation.
This must be a dream.
Finger twitch, spilling out painful words.. click click click.
Then send.
I am here. Where are you?
Going home... Home.
Where is that now?
I'm not even sure anymore.
Tonight your sky will be filled with skyscrapers, mine stars.
And I'll wait for the room to light up... A phonecall, a message.
An arch of light to show me some sign.
Anything to know I am not alone.