Still

Time corrects everything.
 I am again reminded daily of this truth.
I have ingested stereotypes.
Milled through friendships.
Passed judgement and also been unhappily at the receiving end.
All and all it doesn't really matter.
I'm still free.
 I'm still happy.
I'm even more myself than ever.
And besides me he still sits.
Correcting me though time.

The Crossing

Somehow before me I have dug,
tooth and nail in my chest..
I am not the eyes I see,
Mirror side up, staring back at me.
Beginning with the end, and catching up with a drop..
And to my beggars knees, I push.
I am not here, inside this heart.
Emptiness breaks me, and pain seeps into my cracks.
Voice feeling so distant from familiar.
I simplify my words down to a lost thought.
And to quantify my elation, never in right's mind.
Dragged back by poison...
Leashing demons. Harnessing caustic self realization.
I go for the kill, before you're my prey.
And every time, you walk away....
I'd rather be the tracks that lay before me.
Penny patina and granularly red.
High carbon steel higher than me.
Amid foggy night looming moon caress.
Nothing but a headline, hand delivered in morning's press.

Dishes

I can see them, ominous... Staring me down like I'm already guilty. Poorly portrayed as sloppy wet suds, caressing supine porcelain... Dressed distastefully in last nights pasta sauce. Their emptiness, somehow my applaud. Filthy. A sad metaphor for that hollow feeling in my gut. Sizing me up and and trying to nip at my feet. In some way a reminder of overthrown success. Absorbing me like a sponge, lawn side down to scrub away any sense of inadequacy I've lacked. Locking me in, scolding my hands as I work to regain an idea of what normalcy looks like... Soft pale ceramic hues glistening under my faucet's waterfall. As the drying rack begins to fill, and I watch the last of the soapy episode circle the drain. Bubbles holding on to the cross hairs like a sad lover. And in the climax of my self loathing I manage to bare a grin. My lungs feel lighter, my breath deep. The weight of "ME" floating off of my shoulders for fragmented seconds. Calmness irising in on my heart and dancing with it's new beat.

In hindsight, I am buying paper plates.

Nospmoht

Day 305
What an adventure.
State escape, uhaul reverie.
What a past we've created.
Ransom note clippings, funnies and all.
Wake up.
Smiling face.
Kissed cheek.
Giggles.
Thunderous laughter.
Warm embrace.
Amore and lust defines curves with wishful thoughts.
We are madly in love.
My Nannuu.

Tempature Rising

I am null.
Air escaping afflicted lungs.
I small spike on your sonar...
A demo hiding beneath false advertisement.
Lost after 3 large gulps... and down my eager throat..
10% alcohol, expectoration of cherry love, a bitter sweet aftertaste.
All the small fingers of Bisphenol A whisking away stray hairs from my face.
Heavy eyes, slumberous blankets encompass me.
I crawl inside and hide, raindrops hitting my window.
The sky is crying.
I am indisposed.
NyQuil lullabies sing me into R.E.M.

Macrocosm

I am lost tide pool gallows.
Winded conversation and abacinated by my smile.
Sweet surrender, bitter to the taste but soft to the touch.
I am singing noteless songs, bombylious above rough waters.
Hanging cool in your caress, keep me safe and dry. Unconcious.
I am an abbozzo, several times to be erased.
Clay formation, fist destruction.
Smash me down and remold my curves, they seek to be fit for your eyes.
I am a studder, voice tripping over vowels. Heterophemy.
Eyes blinking a panic, hurricane in India. Rampallion to the East.
I am weening my brain.
Umbiliciform. Scissors snipping nursing ties. I am on my own.
I am a volcano of words.
Ash spilling from my mouth, burns. The querulist, fine-tuned.
I am belly-swollen envy.
A warm embrace embodying maieutics. Lacking kin but loving all. Atocia.
I am locks of wisdom.
Haematic glow as it flows from my head, freely. An autodidact at best.
His consort. Kisses planted and growing life.
Scopophilic worship, I am the map his fingers trace on my skin.
His indulgence. Epidermis dactylogram. I am forever imprinted with his love.
Simply his.
Onerously me.

leeren Geist

I play pretend with the uneasy sense of loneliness.
Eyes at the back of your head, watching you undress and feeling ugly.
I play in the dark and pray for ghosts.
Talking to empty walls, begging for attention with the echo of my voice hollowing out my eardrums.

This is where I end up.
Surrounded by love and happiness.
Friends and Family.
The world, a giant happy face.
All while my head withers away with voices.
coaxing me to swallow mouthfuls of pills.
tying endless ropes that lead to the punchline.
I'm willing to be the joke.
An accident waiting to happen.

I'll do anything to make them stop.

Welcome, Alice.

She's losing her sense of self.
Ivory carved and black speckled replacement.
Stacked neatly, soldiers lining up and down stairs...
Hallways, gathering around cornerings just to watch the launch.
Rythmic indecency, something bad is bound to happen here...
As her index finger gently pushes back the first tile.
One by one.
Falling down and meeting her bare feet.
Red varnish and a fake tan line.
And all the signs of beauty washed away by soap and whiskey and the vomit at her bedside.
She's wonderful. A smile through broken teeth.
A maze and puzzle collapsing into a black hole, immortality and nova reborn.
Screaming out, childlike.
Smashing mirrors and picture frames,
memories burning retnas and cascading hair clipped away.
Somehow hands held, in a firm grip, she's slipping down the rabbithole.
The mother, the maid, the executioner, the friend, the foe, all in tow.
Tumbled down, reading books and paintings crashing down.
Leading way to the keyhole, insanities doorway to hell.
And as the last domino sends up a dustcloud, the key falls to the ground.
Now in reach, finds it's way intrigicately placed in a firm palm grip.
Knobs turning, eyes closing.
We're all in for a sick suprise...
Oh, you just wait and see.

Hand-Me-Down

I hardly feel sedated anymore.
Reality came creeping back in, and bit me.
Flesh in mouth, teeth sinking into jugular fantasies.
This is real.
I feel everything.
Oh fuck.
This hurts.
But that's okay. That's okay.
Whatever doesn't kill me (and this won't) makes me....
Invincible... Invisible. Stronger. Whatever. I'm fine.
But as she doesn't know, within the clouded moans and the quake of your body at it's peak.
The weakening in your voice and the breathlessness that chases your head in circles as you lay hand in hand, dazed.
Within the depth of your soul and the twiddle of your thumbs as you send text with meaning yet are sent meaninglessly back and forth as you play tongue twisted riddles of love without saying those words.
You're useless. A lover with a brain but no heart to back it up.
A painful memory and the last sip of wine. Bitter and stale, still intoxicating none the less.
She will know of your painful words, and your lack of time.
Induced by a rage of drugs, both of you engulfed.
I only wish you don't drown as you huddle together in it's slurry.
No. I'm not sedated anymore, I'm fine.
Pick up those pieces and glue them together, but good luck reshaping what I've broken.
I kept a few pieces, and you're never getting them back.
I've ruined it for everyone.
And I am proud.


"Human society sustains itself by transforming nature into garbage." -Mason Cooley

Divorcing your soul.

There are a number of unequivocal No's in my head shaking yes.
His eyes dance across the someone Else's living room, meeting everyone Else's vow of faith within a glance.
Spilling car keys into bowls, willing.
Twittering thumbs, tracing the exterior of metal and plastic, combined.
A connotation within a whisper and a wink. We go home tonight.
Not my bed, no.
Firm hand grasping wrists, pulling to the passenger door, open in gentlemen gesture.
Stinging eyes view windsheild infidelity.
He's whispering sweet-nothings in an ear of lust, disguised as a young blonde.
She will know him like I do.
She will know the whimpers and gasps for air.
The climax and the kisses carefully planted.
and I will know nothing of this.
Driving away to a comforter that brings me nothing.
An orgasm and a change of clothes made.
And I will see him again,
Tarnished.
We end up in the beyond when we know now is never good enough.
Satisfaction is a coathanger for disassociation.
We are unwilling to remember.

This is not the marriage I'd dreamt of.

All that Glitters is Gold...

I'm applying sulfuric acid to my fingertips.
Dying my hair and changing my name.
It's time to forget and be forgotton.
Leave the keys under the doormat and a thank you note.
Thumb down a cab, suitcase in tow.
and leave the life of bullshit behind.
Too bad I can't seem to get rid of this black cloud in a speedy get away.
At least I can umbrella myself for a little while.
Before time catches up again, and snatches me away.
Ball and chain, I walk for days...
Goodbye forever.
Tomorrow, the same sun will rise.
and I will view it with different eyes.
Gleaming hope, skyline glittering gold.
Something I have never seen before.
Miles of grassy hills and meadows lay ahead.
I can't keep my eyes open anymore.
Overdose.

Stupid Girl

I'm being clumbsy.
I can't seem to stand on my own two feet without tripping anymore.
My words, an escape artist... I will hurt your feelings with a smile.
Unaware of my own feelings anymore.
I am a confused little girl.
Consider me the current to your electric chair...
Pulsation, allure, an outbox and outlet of injury.
Inquireless.
Let's add some insult here.
You're a cunt.
That's right, I said it.
Okay, here I go again... The fall.

New York Minute

My skin is eroded by tears, streaming my cheeks... collecting between my breasts.
Sorrow.
Station wagon vibrates, a pulse, a tune for farewell.
It's hard to hear your words. Laughter disguised by underlying pain.
"It's only a few days" he says... an attempt to convince himself.
An embrace. Several kisses, and the car pulls away.
Airport terminal, the same word they use to tell you you're going to die.
The end of the road for you. A two hours of winded highway.
This city certainly owns it's name.
Blurry eyed and dizzy. I am not myself anymore.
More tears, pushed back.. faulty navigation.
This must be a dream.
Finger twitch, spilling out painful words.. click click click.
Then send.
I am here. Where are you?
Going home... Home.
Where is that now?
I'm not even sure anymore.
Tonight your sky will be filled with skyscrapers, mine stars.
And I'll wait for the room to light up... A phonecall, a message.
An arch of light to show me some sign.
Anything to know I am not alone.

Truce

I am guilty of treason.
I am the kiss of death at the end of a girlish laugh...
The holder of a beating heart, child's plaything... pin pricks and thorns finding there way inside...
By my hand, of course.
And knowing I could torment you, and still own you.
Made me smile.
Yes. I am evil. But are you not guilty too?
Lack of interest. Lack of respect. Lack of emotions.
You never understood what true pain was until I put you through it.
Time to grow up.
Pick up the pieces and either get stronger from this.
Or forever stay firmly in my grasp.
Because right now I still own you... Your mind re-twisting the knifes.
You were always good with words, but never said the right one's to me.
So let me feed some words of wisdom back.
I am not the end of your road.
You are just the beginning of mine.
Let's wipe are hands clean and nod in agreement.
We're both crazy, you know.

Gouge

What a terrible thing it is to know...
That I have your eyes.
I can't look into the mirror anymore...
Not without looking away in fear.
Fuck you.


You ruined everything.

Neurospektica

I am the embalming fluid of your fine machinery.
Oiled up transparency, circulating your circuitry. All geared up with nowhere to go.
Her head spun clockwise, bedpan reveries and intricate placing of folded napkins.
She’s one of kind. The kind that bites then purrs.. the kind that you keep in a box under your bed.
We wiped her parting lips, ghastly words spewed out and laid out, high-strung, and the clapping of heels against sterile linoleum.
She’s a scalpel away from a free trip to the morgue.
Stainless steel bedchamber, engulfed in a classic sanitizer smell.
Lemon fresh, broken English, French dichotomy.
Moon eclipsing, waning as she’s whining.
“Give me morphine, give me pleasure. I am not your Rembrandt historical society tea party.
THIS IS MY DEATH!”
A lifeless, neurological dystrophy symphony.
We except Sabotaged Sympathy Cards, Credit cards, Judgments, Fine Jewelry, Blood Red Precious Cargo, Your First Born, Burnt Cassette Tapes, Hydrogen Bombs, and Polluted Gene Pools as Payment..
Buy Now.

His

There's a secret in your smile.
A message written, ear to ear...
Grinning laughter within a kiss.
We can talk without words.

There's a secret in your touch.
Fingers tracing inner thigh
Painting me, white as canvas.
We can create with our senses.

There's a secret in your embrace.
Arms spread wide... Engulf me.
Flat palms, cold back. Warmth.
We can provide shelter without letting go.

There's a secret in your eyes.
Blue and green and all mine.
Frantic jitters, back and forth between eachother.
We can say I love with without speaking.

There's a secret in my chest.
Heavy and pounding.
Ready to unlock.
My heart is yours, forever.

Distance

I'm staring out the window..
Cool collected raindrops, windowsill acts as edges to a cage.
And I'm running to the door at the sounds of truck exhaust.
Wondering when our eyes will meet again, and I can be a little less broken.
I feel like years have grown where once months used to gather.
Becoming more real as you are already holding my heart in your palm.
So easily you could stop it,
Squeeze your hand shut and watch my messy death unveil.
But instead you hold it, just out of reach.
Close enough for me to feel your love.
But far enough away for me to be lonely.
I miss you so much.

A Few Of My Favorite things

I am a monster beneath my flesh.
Supple and wet, willing to undress...
For your eyes.... Maybe.. Yes.

I am a kisser in the dark.
Tongue darting in and out of cold mouths.
Coffee spilt speed bump getaway...
You know which wires to unplug.

I am liquid in your hand.
Shining aura, laced fingers fixated.
Fascinated at the mirror I stare in.
Your smile delays mine by two seconds,
but ends up beating me to the punchline.

Of the same joke...
Were choking on each others laughter, it's contagious.
And the thunder that's roaring through my lungs is my pulse.
Drum banging against my chest...
And as I rest my head on yours.... It's to the same beat.

Arm your flowers.

Time beckons through windows, like wind.
Athena's crawling chalkboard and trying to fold letters.
The ones that sit on your desk, unread.
Dust collecting pieces of conversation.
Sticking to the parcel like glue, entwined in the fibers.
The ones in your shirt.
Entranced by the swipe of a pen.
Genocide in a signature.
10,000 troops armed and deployed.
Eros beard is clipped and trimmed.
Cigarettes dancing through straight lips.
They say there is no rain where we are going.
The sun so bright it's radiating like the bombs we drop.
Sparkling, like the shine on your shoes.
Buffed in someones child's blood.